Helpful Hints

~I found this article helpful. Being a wife and a mom has its challenges, but it's always a blessing to talk to or glean encouragement from others who have "been there, done that" I appreciate Jennie Chancey's tips, because they are very specific (down to the nuts and bolts of what her day looks like). To read the other helpful letters to other moms, see: www.christianhomemakingconference.com/answer.htm ~ They are all good!

Tips for Making It Through the Day without Going Insane:
(Note: This first e-mail was written to a mother with three small children and talks mainly about keeping a routine with lots of little ones.)
1. Your next day starts the night before -- before you go to bed. Whatever you do, do not neglect this important preparation for the next day, because it will help you so much. You can do these things after the kids are in bed. After a while, it will just become a routine you can do without even having to think about it:

A. Set out what the children will wear tomorrow (do this before they are asleep, of course!).

B. Get the breakfast things ready (set out plates, bowls, spoons, cereal, etc.). When they are older, they will be able to fix their own breakfasts. I now pre-slice the bread for John Nathan, and he makes himself and the other boys their toast in the morning.

C. Talk with your husband and read the Bible together. This is the one time of the day when you can really do this without interruption. I'm not talking about trying to have an hour-long study time every night -- even if it is just reading the Psalms and Proverb of the day and praying together, it is good. Try to have family worship together. You will have to make it happen, not just wish it would happen!

D. Write down your to-do list (vacuum, laundry, dusting, bathrooms, etc. -- whatever it is time to do). I try to break down my week like this: Pretty much every day is laundry day (or we start to get buried!). I start the laundry first thing in the morning and just "feed" the washer and dryer throughout the day. I do not fold the laundry until after the kids are sleeping -- I just dump it on our bed all day. Fridays are the "big" housecleaning days when the kids and I vacuum, dust, do bathrooms and mop. We do NOT do these chores any other day, or they just turn into time-eaters. Obviously, if somone knocks a plant over, you will vacuum up the dirt, but don't worry over an accumulation of unnoticeable dirt the rest of the week. Every day the children and I focus on picking up one thing before we do another. They aren't perfect at this (neither am I), but if stuff stays picked up, the clean-up time isn't so overwhelming in the evening. On Saturdays I plan the next week's menu, go through the cabinets, write down my grocery list and do all the grocery shopping for the week, taking one or two children with me (if my husband isn't here on a Saturday, I do it at night).

E. Sunday you need to REST. Our church currently meets in our house or a neighbor's house. After church, we eat potluck and sit around and talk. The children sit with us or play in the back yard or color. After everyone goes home, all the Chanceys go to bed! This is our day to recharge.

F. Back to the to-do list: remember that it isn't set in stone! Don't get so obsessive over the list that it ruins your day. If something doesn't get done, move it onto tomorrow's list.

2. At the start of the day:

A. If the children get up early, make them stay in their rooms and play quietly until you are up and about (Felicity is our early riser, and just sits and sings to herself until everyone else is up!).

B. As soon as you are dressed and ready, put on some uplifting, beautiful music. It can be anything you like, as long as it helps make the mood bright and cheerful. I cannot emphasize this one point enough. The job of the mother is to set the mood of the house from the minute she is up and about. The absolute best way I know to do this is to put on wonderful music -- especially music you and the children can sing to! If you put on Psalms, hymns or Scripture songs, you are also feeding your family God's Word and praise all day long.

C. While you and the children are eating together, this is your time to read the Proverb for the day (or another part of scripture) out loud. Everyone is sitting down and busy eating, so they will not have the tendency to wander around or get distracted. If you can only get through five verses because of all the questions your children want to ask, that is okay! It is better to spend 15 minutes explaining five verses in detail than to get frustrated and give up or just try to read really fast. Pick a key verse for the day (something you want to work on -- ours today is "Like vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes is a fool to the one who sends him" -- we are trying to work on doing a job instantly when asked!). Mark the verse with a post-it note and keep the Bible handy for training times!

3. Once breakfast is over, start each child on something she can do (reading, playing dolls, building with blocks, etc.). If you need to do some things outside, take the children with you. Set up the play yard in the grass so toddlers don't wander into the street. I spent all morning out gardening with the boys today. Belle sat on a blanket and played with her toys, John Nathan helped me dig, and both the older boys spread mulch. Thomas just walked around being "Davey Crockett!"

4. Once the children are started with something, say, "Mommy's going to do X now" (whatever it is you need to accomplish on your list). If you are going to clean the kitchen or do laundry, have your children who are able help you by washing counters, separating lights from darks, sorting socks, etc. As much as possible, include them in your work routine. If the job is a really big one that they cannot do (mine really can't handle the carpet vacuum well), tell them they can get their toy vacuum (or whatever) and practice doing what you're doing.

5. AT THIS STAGE, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT IN YOUR ROUTINE THAN TRAINING THE CHILDREN. The dishes in the sink are not important. The laundry isn't important. The vacuuming isn't important. Having the house spic and span by five o'clock is NOT important if the children are being pushed out of the way or ignored to get it done. I'd say 99% of our frustration with our children comes from the fact that we ourselves are selfish and do not want to set aside our own plans for the day to deal with foolishness. But we must obey God first. He says we are to train our children. The hardest part of the training is in these early years. If you train well right now, you will have an easier time of it as the days, weeks and months go by. This means being willing to drop whatever it is we are doing (phone call, chores, gardening -- anything) and deal with the trouble. This doesn't mean making the children stop bothering us. It means getting to the heart of the matter to show the child she is worshiping a false god (herself and her desires) and confessing to the child (when we are mad about leaving our own stuff) that we have the same problem of worshiping false gods. Address this heart issue and discipline according to the Scripture (using the Bible you've left in a handy place -- and make a sheet of Proverbs and other Scriptures that apply to various sin problems like greed, envy, strife, selfishness, anger, resentment, etc.). Lead the child to repentance, then show the child grace and love and explain how God has accepted the child in Christ -- not based upon the child's own works (thank the Lord He doesn't base His acceptance of us upon our own works!).

6. A child (or a mommy) with an empty tank just cannot run properly. If we are not filling our children's tanks with encouragement, loving speech, kind words and Scripture, we cannot expect them to respond to us in love and obedience. Children need to live in an environment so overflowing with love and grace that they begin to reflect it in their own behavior. This is where Mommy and Daddy come in. If Mommy's tank is empty, she has nothing to give to the children. The way to fill the tank is with the Word of God, loving praise from Daddy, hugs, kisses, little notes of encouragement, etc. If Daddy's tank is empty, he has nothing to give Mommy. Daddy needs the Word of God and the exhortation of godly men (like sermons on tape, etc.) to fill him up so he can pour himself out for his wife as Christ poured Himself out for His Bride. He also needs the unconditional love and encouragement of his wife!

7. When a child is disobedient or has an attitude problem, deal with it immediately. Do not wait until your own frustration level has built to the boiling point. This is sin. It is procrastination, so don't be surprised if your own children procrastinate after watching your own example. Be prepared for the fact that you are going to have to deal with toddlers many more times a day than you have to deal with a baby or an older child who has been trained well! "Do not grow wearing in doing well, for in due season you shall reap!"

8. Have a mandatory quiet time every day of the week (two hours minimum). This is when the babies go down for afternoon naps. The older children don't have to nap, but they do need to learn to find something quiet to do (reading, coloring, etc.). This is the time when Mommy needs to rest as well. You might not need a nap, but you can at least put your feet up for a few minutes, read the Bible or another book, or catch up on some things that can't be done with children needing attention (like bill paying or balancing the checkbook).

9. USE THE PLAY YARD. Play yards are not prisons for "bad" children. They are areas of containment where a toddler can play safely without your having to fear that she is falling down or getting into something dangerous. When you are homeschooling an older child, a play yard (not a small play pen, but a larger fenced area) is a huge help. The play yard is not a way to escape your responsibility of training the toddler (you will do that throughout the day); it is just a safe place where the toddler can learn to play alone for a time contentedly. Don't overuse it, but USE it. It is a tool for sanity and safety!

10. If push comes to shove and the day is just unraveling, give everyone a bath! Put on soft, soothing music and pray. If your husband is able to watch the children for 20 minutes, you climb into the tub and relax and pray.

None of this can be done in our own strength or without God's grace. If we are trying to do this by our own strength, we will fail. Pray without ceasing throughout the day for grace, but remember that God doesn't wave magic wands and remove our problems. Part of sanctification is God constantly placing us in situations where we will be forced to rely upon His grace instead of upon ourselves. And grace doesn't just drip from Heaven like rain. It comes through the Word, through fellowship with the saints, through the Lord's supper, through worship, praise and prayer. You do not need to go into a "prayer closet" to worship, praise and pray. Do it on your feet. The more you do it, the more of a habit it will become -- a continual breathing out of prayer to the Lord for strength, patience, kindness and peace.

When you are discouraged, DO NOT call the people who do not think the same way or who feel that children are a curse. Those people are only going to discourage you or give you unsound advice about not having so many children, etc., etc. If you can't find like-minded Christians, read books that are biblical and encouraging in snatches of time as you can!

I hope this helps. I certainly don't claim any level of perfection in doing all of these things -- they are just tools that have helped me keep my days sane and happy!

Love,
Jennie